Well its been a while since I’ve posted and I’ve been on a bit of an emotional rollercoaster and I was sure whether I was coming and going.
I don’t talk about it with anyone, really. I try and speak to hubby but you can see that its more of an inconvenience. He wants the best for me but he just wants me to move on. We talk about trying again and I’m actually petrified. I don’t think I can physically go through a miscarriage again, if its anything like the last one.
I blame myself. I didn’t lose enough weight and was around the top end of my bmi that you have to be on the NHS. I go shopping and I see seriously overweight woman with babies. I’ve put weight on and all I want to do is eat. Do I really want this baby? I can’t if I keep stuffing my fat gob.
Can my relationship survive without a baby? What will happen to us if I can have a child?
I take a deep breath. I need a break from life.
My work is extremely stressful. My husband tell me that’s could have contributed to the miscarriage. My fault again. I know he doesn’t mean it’s my fault but I have so much guilt it’s consuming me.
I have a fitbit, trying to encourage myself to walk 10,000 steps a day. I wake up at 3am and think of a meeting I have the next day. My heart rate soars to 140 beats per minute. I then become ill and decide it’s time to leave.
I make an appointment that day with the ivf clinic. I’ve got to give this one try, I don’t give up. I can lose weight and I can do this.
Sorry this post is a bit of a rant.
MrsDeeB 
Stress did NOT cause your miscarriage and your husband needs to stop that kind of talk immediately – it’s completely inappropriate. You did not do anything to cause it or deserve it. You, like me, are part of the one in four who has had a miscarriage. Reducing stress is always a good thing, but it is NOT what causes miscarriage.